I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
