actually, I'm a sock model
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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