I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
