Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize