So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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