sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
