got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
