i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At least life still wants to fuck me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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