mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
