You're my little dorito
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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