i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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