I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize