new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just got carded by a ten year old.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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