The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
