We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
