so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
