So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
two words...techno handjob
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
