Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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