Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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