I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
