i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
