Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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