So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
