Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize