Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize