Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
