whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
