Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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