i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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