I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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