and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Alive.
So much puke
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
