She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
