singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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