just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
