Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
