you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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