this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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