what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize