I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
