Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
