I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
