pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
