last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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