I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
