you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize