he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
