babies were throwing up all over the place
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
