My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
