remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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