So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
