omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize