YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The ass gains better be worth it
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