I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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