Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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