I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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