my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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