Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
handjob tips. give me some.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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