Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
