I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
