You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
