IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
