For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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