He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
