Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just high enough for therapy.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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