Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
