Welp...herpes.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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